I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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