She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
