when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
