im six kinds of drunk right now
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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