I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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