just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
