There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Sorry about my life...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
