i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
