Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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