it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
