If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
