I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
