I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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