I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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