i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
