dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
