Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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