On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
