remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
