last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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