I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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