apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
it glows. i had to have it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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