I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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