just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
