There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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