fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
