So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
