went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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