but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He's on the porch naked. Help.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
