Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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