You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
third nipple confirmed
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
