??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
