just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
