Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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