Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
