my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
