Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
