I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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