kristin has been a bad kristin
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
