Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
