4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
