Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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