He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Hippo gnu deer
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
