I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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