Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
