i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
