You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
