if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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