am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
