I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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