then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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