I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
