Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
