I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
