drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
