Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
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vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
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It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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