laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
