apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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