Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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