Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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